Wicked humor
by Love Kisses
Summary: As always Emmett doesn't make the smartest of decisions, but what happens when it affects everyone. When Esme is sent away, and a stranger comes to stay. It's a little bit of trouble in paradise but surely nothing that the crew can't handle, right? This is post Breaking Dawn and my version as a Cullen wife swap. Rated M for a reason. Not like the other wife swap stories.
1. Background Info

**AN/ just for the story I'm making Renesmee young and staying at age instead of having her super growth in aging. Also this page is just like background information for if y'all have any wonders about whether or not somebody is this age were that age but yeah I hope you enjoy!**

(1) I am a legal US resident residing in the United States. **Yes.**

(3) I have never have been convicted of a felony, and I have never had a restraining order or other injunctive relief entered against me. If I have been convicted of a misdemeanor, including without limitation traffic violations, I will advise Producer of such conviction(s). **No.**

Name: Emmett Cullen

Mother's name: **Esme Cullen**

Father's name: **Carlisle Cullem**

Marital Status: S / **M** / D /W If married, how many years? **20**

List **ALL** members currently living in the household (Including Yourself):

 _Age_ _Name_ _Relationshi_ _p to You_ _Occupation / Education Level_

1\. **17 Rosalie Hale adopted daughter high-school senior**

2\. **17 Jasper Hale adopted son high-school senior**

3\. **18 Emmett Swan adopted son high-school senior**

4\. **17 Bella Swan adopted daughter high-school junior**

5\. **17 Edward Mason adopted son** **high-school junior**

6\. **16 Alice Mason adopted daughter** **high-school junior (skipped grade)**

7\. **18 Jacob Black adopted son high-school senior**

8\. **2 Renesmee Mason granddaughter no school**

 **MOTHER:**  
Are you currently:

_ Working Full Time _ Working Part Time _ Unemployed **X** Stay-at-home

Current occupation: Current employer:

Work Schedule:

 **FATHER:**

Are you currently:

 **X** Working Full Time _ Working Part Time _ Unemployed _ Stay-at-home

Current occupation: **surgen** Current employer: **Local hospital**

Work Schedule: **12 hours a day 5-6 days a week**

How did you hear about our search for families to be on the show?

Watching "Wife Swap"

 **X** Television

Radio

Newspaper

Other, explain_

How long have you been living at your current home?

 **6 years**

Do you: **X** own or _rent your home? If you have a landlord or if you are a part of a homeowners association or condo association, please include their contact information:

Please describe your home: apartment, house, number of bedrooms, number of stories, etc.

 **6 bed rooms, 5 bathrooms, 3 stories, huge garage, large backyard and garden, outside pool, nice kitchen, gamer oomph, a bonus room.**

Who wears the pants and why? **The mother, she runs the house.**

Do you have any Pets? How many? What Type? Do they have free reign of the house?

 **No.**

Describe dinnertime in your family. Do you go out? Do you cook? Where do you eat – at the table or in front of the tv? **Everyone eats on their own.**

How would you describe your diet? Do you allow junk food and soda in your home? What restrictions are there, if any?

 **Eat whatever you want.**

What is your daily routine? Are you a scheduled family?

 **Get up, go to school/work, come home and relax.**

How do you spend your evenings? Weekends?

 **As a family and separate**

How do you discipline your children? Please give specific details and why this is important to you as a parent?

 **We don't, it's a creative and free environment.**

What rules must your children follow? Are you strict parents? Do your children have strict bedtimes, curfews and censors on TV/music etc..?

 **Unstructured, they do as we say and we have one rule, clean up your own messes.**

What makes your family unique? Why should your family be chosen?

 **We are a wild bunch**

What would your family be able to teach another family?

 **How to be a team**

How would you describe your relationship with your partner?

 **Very loving and affectionate.**

How would you and your spouse describe your relationship with your kids?

 **Wonderful, everyone gets respect.**

Does religion and alternative lifestyles/practices play a part in your family's life? If so how?

 **We do not practice religion.**

What role do art and culture play in your life (i.e. attending museums, the theatre, opera, ballet, etc…) **Alice does dance and Edward plays piano.**

Are you willing to share your thoughts and feelings and enforce your rules on another family? Why or why not?

 **Yes, the enforcement have worked out well for our family**

Has EVERYONE in the family seen a full episode of the show?

 **No, Emmett and Renesmee get bored easily.**

How many episodes of "Wife Swap" have you seen together as a family?

None _

A few episodes here and there _X_

A full season _

I've never missed an episode. _

Other – please explain. _

How do you manage the household budget? What best describes your family and why? Big Spenders or Penny Pinchers? **We are neither big Spenders or Penny Pinchers**

What pushes your buttons? Both in your family and in general.

 **Lies, I don't like when someone tries to fool me or turns their back on loved ones.**

What is your household philosophy?

 **Love one another.**

Is there any feuding in your immediate or extended family? If so, please elaborate.

 **The kids bicker and argue.**

Have you or anyone in your immediate family been adopted? Have you or anyone in your immediate family placed a child up for adoption? If so, have you ever tried to contact your mother/child? What was the result?

 **All my kids are adopted**

How do each of you (the parents) feel about being on the show?

Mother: **N/A**

Father: **N/A**

If you were selected to be part of "Wife Swap," could you take off work (up to 10 days)?

Mother: Yes_X_ No_

Father: Yes_ No_X_

Have you ever used recreational drugs?

Mother: Yes_ No **X** _

Father: Yes_ No_ **X**

If yes, explain (What drugs, how long ago, etc):

Are you on prescription medication?

Mother: Yes_ No_x_

Father: Yes_ No_x_

Children: Yes_ No_x_

If yes, explain:

Do you, your spouse or your children have any allergies, existing heart conditions, or any other physical impairment? If yes, explain:

 **No we are all healthy**

Do you or your children have any limitations that would affect being able to participate in physical activity? If so, what?

 **Nope, all active**

Have you or any of your children been diagnosed or treated for behavioural or developmental disorders or disabilities? (i.e. ADD/ADHD; learning difficulties; autistic spectrum, etc.)

 **Alice is hyperactive**

Have you ever been arrested or charged with a crime of any type?

Mother: Yes_ No_ **x** _

Father: Yes_ No_ **x** _

If so, please give dates and details (include the outcome):

Have you ever been convicted of any crime?

Mother: Yes_ No_x_

Father: Yes_ No_x_

If so, please give dates and details (including sentence or other disposition):

Have you ever had a restraining order issued against you; or had to have one issued against another person?

Mother: Yes_ No_x_

Father: Yes_ No_x_

If so, please give dates and details:

Have you ever filed for bankruptcy or chapter 11?

Mother: Yes_ No_x_

Father: Yes_ No_x_

If yes, please explain:

Have you ever been a performer, participant, or contestant on television, radio or film?

Mother: Yes_ No_x_

Father: Yes_ No_x_

If yes, what programs and dates:

Are you currently under consideration by any other show? Please provide a list of all shows you've applied for in the past year:

 **No**

What is **Mother's** highest level of education? **College degree in elementary education**

Degree(s): **masters**

Are you a legal resident of the United States? Yes_ **x** _ No_

Have you ever been divorced? Yes_X_ No_

What is **Father's** highest level of education. **Doctor**

Degree(s): _ **doctorate**

Are you a legal resident of the United States? Yes_ **x** _ No_

Have you ever been divorced? Yes_ No **X**

 **AN/ i will try to update as much as possible, but I'm really busy.**


	2. Suprise

**AN: I really hope you enjoy this story, I have a busy schedule but I will try to update as much as I can. DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT. THIS DISCLAIMER IS TO SAVE MY BUTT AND YOURS, THE CHARACTERS ARE ALL S.M. AND SHE IS WONDERFUL... MY PLOT, MY IDEA. THE REST IS HERS.**

 **BPOV**

I was enjoying some nice quality time with Edward. God I love Edward! It has only been two years since we got married but it feels just like yesterday. Everyday is a dream come true with him. Edward and Renesmee make my life complete.

"What are you think about love?" I looked up at Edward from my position on his chest.

"How much I love you." I leaned up and pressed a gentle kiss on his lips. He tilted my chin up and pressed his lips a little harder.

I moved up him from my laying position to straddle him. He slid his tongue across my lower lip and I happily opened my mouth to him. His hands moved to my waist as I deepened the kiss. His hands gripped me tightly causing my to grind down on him. A lovely moan escaped him, fueling me further.

"Get up we have a situation to deal with!" Alice screamed outside our door right before barging in. "Get off his dick and let's go." Groaning we pulled apart and got up off our queen size bed.

"What the hell is going on?" I asked as we descended the stairs. Everyone was sitting in the living room except Rose, Esme and Carlisle. Rosalie was pacing, and the parents were out.

"It would seem that our idiot of a brother decided to fill out forms for a reality TV show without our knowledge, he not only thought this was a good idea to submit this four months ago and not tell anyone, but he got us selected." Alice informed me as she threw a copy of the papers on the coffee table.

Edward picked up the papers and quickly skimmed over them before he looked up at Emmett, causing him to sink back into his seat. Edward tossed the papers back onto the table and his hand went to pull at the ends of his hair.

"Let me get this straight. You invited a complete stranger to live with us for two whole weeks and to send Esme away to another family. What were you thinking?"

"You're the one who has to tell Esme and Carlisle." I told him as I walked back up stairs to get Renesmee.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

"What!" I didn't need super hearing to hear how Esme was upset over the news. As it turns out we had three days to until the mystery lady was to come. Emmett hid the papers for months until Rosalie found them. He had hid them under the bed. Idiot.

"Kids." Carlisle called up the stairs. I picked up Renesmee and pulled her on to my hip and headed back down the stairs. We all gathered in the living room. Renesmee leaned her head into my chest as she started to doze. "This is an unwanted and unwarranted situation, but because we are in this position we are going to have to make a few rules and change a few things up. Starting with the rooms."

There were collective groans from all around the room. " Esme and I have talked it over and Alice, Bella, and Rosalie will share a room, Emmett and Edward will share, Jasper will have his own just like Jacob and Renesmee." Collective groans and protest rang throughout the room.

"Why does Jacob and Jasper get their own room?" Emmett whined. Carlisle held up his hand to silence him.

"We will have the master bedroom and use the last room will be our guest room. Now you may not like these arrangements but that's what's going to happen. You are dismissed, to go rearrange your rooms." He starts to walk off but turns back to say "The cameras show up in two days." With that he left.

"Who's room is going to be what?" I asked.

"Well I assume the Nessie room will be the same just like Jacobs." Edward tells me. "You're girls can take Rose's and Jasper his own, so that leaves Emmett and I in our room."

"Well I say the guys are the ones who have to move the furniture." Declared Alice as she plopped onto the sofa.

"I second that" I sat down next to her, rubbing Renesmee's back. She's such a sweet baby.

"Whatever it is you need to figure it out, I'm gonna put her to bed and I'll you all in the morning." I waved them off as I walked up the stairs.

We waited until the boys finished rearranging the rooms.

The rooms was just big enough to fit three full beds, although it was extremely cramped. We had two on the same wall and the third one was positioned against the wall by the bathroom and closet. No way was this going to work. It's way to cramped.

The boys had gone out and bought two full beds and a twin, Jasper would take the twin. They had stored our original twin beds in the basement. Jacob already had a twin bed so there was no reason to get a new one.

"We don't have enough space." Rose screamed from inside the closet. She was attempting to make everything fit. Which was not working. Both Alice and Rosalie had ridiculously large wardrobes.

"Well take all the clothes out and only out half in there." I called back at her. I was currently changing Renesmee into her pjs. "It's your room so all of yours and Emmetts can stay, put some of Alice's in there and leave mine in Edward and I's room."

She swung her head out of the closet to give me a pointed look. "It was your husband who caused this whole mess." I shrugged.

"Your really no help." She clicks her tongue before disappearing back into her closet.

"Whatever, do as you wish. You always do. I'm going to put Renesmee to bed it's way past her bedtime." It wasn't a lie, I normally put her to bed around eight or nine but it's currently well past midnight. I know it's a horrible parenting move.

I sat down in the recliner posed in the corner of the room. Her little head was pressed against my shoulder. I gave her soothing back patts as I rocked her to sleep. She was such a sweet little girl. She had my boring brown eyes and Edward's gourges redish/brown hair, that could be said was bronze or even copper. She was absolutely beautiful. From her soft head of hair to her itty bitty toes. Perfect. I can't believe she is two. I wish she would always be this little.

When her soft little snores fill the room. Standing up I pulled her to me. I carefully transferred her to the crib. She snuggled up to her stuffed wolf, a gift from Jacob. I pulled her fluffy, pink blanket up. Kissing her head on last time, I pulled up the side gate locked it. And quietly walked to the door.

"Night sweet girl." I whispered as I shut the door.

"She go down easy." He wrapped his arms around my waist.

"As always." I turn to look up at Edward.

"We still have two days, and a little time." he waggled his eyebrows at me.

"We a day." I rolled my eyes at him. He looked at his watch and realized that what i said was true. We had exactly five hours until seven am. Getting back to the subject at hand i leaned into him. "What are you wanting to do to pass the time?"

His face lit up and he grabbed my arm. "I can think few things." He tugged to our room.

His hands were starting to run down my sides as I opened our bedroom door.

"Wow!" I breathed out. Our room had been changed….. _Everything_ was changed. Our queen bed had been removed and in its place were two twin beds facing each other. A line of blue painters tape ran directly down the middle of the room.

"Yeah, I know what your thinking." I couldn't help it but I just burst out laughing and I couldn't stop. Our bedroom had been changed to that of a nine year olds. Why the fuck was there tape on the ceiling.

"Why are there twin beds? I thought you were getting full size ones." I questioned him, once my fit of laughter leveled out.

"There's a story about that but that's not part of my plans." he moved the hair over my shoulder and started kissing my neck. I spin in his arms to give him a feverish kiss.

I wrapped my arms around kiss neck and automatically wrapped my legs around his waist as he lifted me off the ground. He let out a delicious moan when I ground down on him. The sounds he makes, makes me do it again. He kissed the side of my mouth and led a trail down to my neck. He sucked my pulse. Hard. Thanks the lords he can't give me a hickey.

Pushing him back I peeled his shirt over his head. As soon as I get his shirt over his head I shoved him down on the bed. A very small bed. Scrapping my nails across his abdomen causes him to purr. And I mean actually purr. Fuck that was hot. I knew how much he loved it when my nails scratched against his abs.

He bucked his hips up just as I ground down. He flipped me over. Never One for letting me have the control. "Are you ready for this?" He whispered. Back against my lips again.

Picking my head I from his chest I smiled. "I love you." Moving my hand to rub up and down his arm, I looked into his arms. "I don't think I can spend the whole week without you, not sleeping but staring up at the ceiling." We don't sleep. Vampires don't sleep. But it is nice to cuddle, stare up at the ceiling, close your eyes, and hum.

With that he jumped off the bed, moving quickly to and out the door. "Where are you going?" I called after him. But I was ignored.

Huffing I flopped back down on the bed. I turned to my side to look at the baby monitor before rolling out of bed. My browned eyed baby girl with a heart of gold stared back at me. Dressing in a pair of jeans and a hoodie. I tied my hair up and went to go get my Renesmee.

"Hi sweet baby." She immediately started cooing and squealing at my voice.

"Mamma! Mamma!" She reached her arms out to grab for me.

Scooping her up, I took her to the changing table. With a fresh diaper and a pair of purple leggings, with a yellow tee. She was ready to go. I swung her onto my hip to head down stairs. "Lets go my love bug." I kissed the side of the of her head and swung the bedroom door open.

"Family meeting!" Carlisle's voice erupted through the quite house. As I stepped out into the hall coming face to face with Alice.

"Do you know what this meeting is about?" I questioned her.

"Well of course I do, I saw it from the beginning." She tapped her temple. "Buttttt," she dragged it out. "I'm not gonna say. You will have to wait just like the others. ALthough I do believe that you will be pleasantly surprised." With that she bounded down the stairs.

When I get to the bottom of the stairs I set Renesmee onto her feet. Allowing her to go to Edward. She was such a daddy's girl.

"Daddy!" She ran on her little stubby, wobbly legs over to Edward. "Daddie uppie!" She screamed a little too excited.

Edward lifted her. Looking past her, he gave me a wink. Before he turned all of his attention to our daughter.

"Please everyone have a seat." Esme gestured to the couch. Both Alice and Rose chose a spot on their husbands' laps, I snuggled into Edward's side since Renesmee had the spot on his lap.

"It has been brought to my attention that Bella and Edward do have a child together and therefore should room together. And I must say that I agree. After hearing the presentation that Edward presented me with. On that note, Emmett you will be moving in with Jasper and the Queen bed should be brought back for their room." Carlisle's voice was calm. He dismissed us right after he finished.

"I can't wait." Edward growled in my ear and pulled me closer into his side. HIS words earned him a smack to the chest.

"That's unfair!" Emmett jumped up, knocking a now very pissed looking Rosalie. SHe wasn't too fond of being dumped on the floor. Everyone else chose to ignore him. I allowed Renesmee to get off of his lap so that she could play with Jacob.

Edward and I were leaving to go hunting. He was still a little nervous for me to be near a human almost 24/7. He wanted to make sure I was full so that I wouldn't act on my instincts.

Esme would go late just like Alice, Jasper, Rose, and Emmett. We all needed to go eat as to not kill anyone. I kissed the top of Renesmee's head on the way out the door. Waving goodbye to her and Jacob. We should be back in a few hours. How long would it take.

All day. Hunting took all day. Edward and I were out for so long, he wanted to make sure that I had all my cravings and urges under control. And I don't think I could possibly eat anymore even if I wanted to.

We were back just in time for Esme's goodbye to be filmed before they sent her to who knows where. I do wonder what kind of family she would have. Would they be any more hectic than ours?

Esme went to each and everyone of us before she was quickly ushered into the car by the producers. Once we could no longer see their car, we were rushed away. The new mom would be here soon.

 **Wow that first chapter is such a doozy. Now that we have gotten a lot of the intro finished I hope that the next chapter would be more interesting. I'm now working on chapter 2….. Let's see how it goes.**


	3. Tiny room

**Here's the second chapter, hope you enjoy it. Sorry that it took long**

 **Read, review, and enjoy.**

 **LPOV**

We have been driving for hours, until we turned down a dirt road that was in the woods!

"Are you lost?" I asked the driver. This had to be wrong. No one could possibly live this far out .

"No ma'am, we are right on track." He nodded his head in the rear view mirror.

"Are you sure?" I wasn't convinced that he knew where we were. Besides he didn't look that smart.

"Yes ma'am I am." He seemed so sure of himself.

No to long after he said that a gigantic house came into view. It was a freaking mansion. The stories high with a lot of glass walls and windows. I slowly open the door and climb out. I'm sure my mouth hung open in awe. These people had to much money if they bought a house like this.

I was startled out of my gaze when the producer spoke. "Here is your key." He placed it in my palm and nodded his head in the way of the house. I proceeded up the side walk to their front door.

I placed the key into the lock of the big oak door. It was a rather pretty color of wood. Pushing the door open I stepped in the foyard. There was a small table to the right along with a coat rack that had two coats hung on it.

Setting the key on the table I walked further down the hall I cam to a set of stairs on my right and the entrance of the living room straight ahead. I choose to go to my right and head up the stairs. Going up the large flight of stairs I found another set to my left and three doors that were connected by an area with a lamp and table stand in the corner of a sitting area.

I chose to open the first door to be greeted with an over sized room. It was a rather tall room with tile flooring. Sitting in the middle of the room was a sleek black grand piano. Sheet music sat on the bend. _Bella's lullaby._ Sounds rather sweet.

"It's pointless to have a room of this size just for a piano. Piano's are over priced and it's a waste of good space." I the cameras. I slid my hand across all of the keys before letting the lid slide shut.

Leaving that room I open the next on on this side of the wall. It was just a half bath. Nothing really special about it. Walking across the open are I open the door across from the bathroom. This room was gorgeous, it had to be the master bedroom.

There was a queen size bed in the middle of the room. The wood was almost reddish with a dark blue comforter. The walls were a light beige, so light they were almost white. There was also two night stands and a dresser that matched the wood of the bed. There were some photos in frames sitting on dresser.

One photo was of a wedding. A petite brunette wearing an adorable white dress. She was standing in front of a man with sex hair, who was in a suit. It appears as if they were standing at an alter. They were holding hands as they stared into each others eyes. Is this who I'm replacing? Because he's hot.

The second one was of a baby. She looked so small and was laying on top of the guy from the first photos. Wow he has a nice body. I couldn't help but oogle.

Moving on to the last photo it was of the man and wife along with the little girl. She looked like both of them. The baby was about a year old in the photo. Does that mean that this whole house was for three people.

"This is a huge house if iit for only three people." I held the photo up the camera as I spoke.

There were two doors on the opposing wall of the desert. A full bathroom ensuite. The tub could fit two people just like the shower. A double vanity and a little closet off toilet. I opened the closet door and was greeted with s full walk in closet. The closet even had another door.

I ran my hand over the clothes as I turned to speak to the camera. "This is too much clothes for two people." I walk past all the clothes and shoes as I head to the other door. Where could it possibly lead to? The door lead to the room. Kinda smart but a little to elaborate.

I leave the room and make my way to the next room. It's a nursery. One for a little girl. Everything is so pink and fluffy. In curly gold letters the name _Renesmee_ is spelled out on the wall above the bed. Knowing I was probably going to cringe I choose to open the closet. Oh my gosh.

"No child needs this much stuff! Half of it looks designer. A waste of money!" How could someone be so careless with their money. "Let's go up the next flight of stairs." I say leaving the current room.

Going back to the previous stairs I had found, I climbed up them reaching the next floor. There was two doors on this floor. Both sat across from each other. Then straight ahead of me was another set of stairs. I walked to the door on my right first.

There was two full beds in here. So that means were are already at three kids. That's better than this whole house being for one child. Still this house is wa to big for having three kids. What did this family do anyways?

One bed had a dark red confited and the other one had a sparkly pink comforter. Those were two complete opposites. There was a bathroom just like the other one. And a closet that held girls and boy clothes, but mostly girls.

"A cross dresser? Or is this a co-ed sleeping area? Boys and girls should never share a room together if they are not married." It wasn't right, neither is premarital sex.

I go back into the bedroom trying to give an insight on the people, _girls,_ that sleep in this room. There's no indication on the dresser, night stands, or the chest of drawers. So I pull the top draw of the dresser open. Gasping I hold up the garment I find to the camera. It was a red and place lacy bra that had a piece of cloth, thong, sitting under it.

"This is not suitable for a teenage girl, her parents should not allow this." I dropped the garments back into their draw and shut it. I walk to the chest of drawers on the opposite side of the room.

I pull open the middle drawer instead of the top. I gasp at what I saw. The camera panned over to look at what I saw. It was different sex toys. Yes I said sex toys. There were diffrent kind of wips and vibrators.

"Do these parents know what their kids are into?" They had to be insane to condone it. "These kids need to allow Jesus into their lives to wash all these sins away." If they had these things who knew what they were doing. Lord help me, what did I get into.

I quickly left the room and went across the hall. I found that is was another bedroom with two twin beds. It wasn't a mess but it was deffinantly a room for two boys. Although yet again there was girl clothes in the closet, along with male clothes. There was magazines and cowboy hats in the closet on the floor.

Something caught my eye when I was about to leave the room. Under the mattress of the bed with a green comforter, the other one was brown, it was a magazine sticking out. I pulled it out and held it up, only to see it was a playboy magazine. Huffing I threw it over my shoulder and onto the bed.

"What even is this family?" I muttered under my breath.

"Last set of stairs." I tell the camera as I began climbing. Four freaking floors in this house. That's to many.

The last floor was only half the size as the other two.I opened the first door I came to and it was a rather small bathroom, I assume it goes to the bedroom up here. If that was a bedroom. The bathroom door was to the right at the top of the stairs and the next door was straight ahead.

I was right it was another bedroom. With a twin bed covered in a black comforter and a small chest of drawers the room wasn't that crowded or that big to be honest. Although this room stunk. And was a complete mess, the bed wasn't made, and there was clothes on the floor.

"This room stinks to high heaven, and this kid need to learn how to pick up after them self." It had to be a guys room, no way a girl could live like this.

I didn't even care to look in the closet, I had to get out of there fast. I started to go back down the stairs. "It's a lot of stairs in this house." That's not a lie.

Once I finally made it back down the stairs I entered the living room. There was a door off or it to the left. I entered it before really going to look around the rest of the ground floor. It was a very small room compared to all of the others. It held a full bed, night stand, and chest of drawers. There was no closet but there is a bathroom. It wasn't glorious or luxuriours like the rest of the house.

Th bathroom had a toilet right next to the sink and the shower was the size of one person. This must be where I would be staying since my suitcase was already in the room. This may be a noisy room to stay in since it's right next to the living room.

Walking back into the living room, I take a look around. There was two couches against the walls and a recliner. A huge flat screen tv was mounted on the wall.

"Those things are a distraction and an unnecessary item." I pointed to the tv as I walked past the couches through the opening to the next area.

"Oh my god." It was a humongous state of the art kitchen with brand new appliances. Everything was shiny and geeze.

There was to more doors, not including the pantry that lead of the kitchen. Geeze there was a lot of doors in this house. The first floor was a swinging door that led down stairs. It was like a bonus room, there were a bunch of gaming systems and couches, a pool table, and yet another door. It led to an indoor pool.

"These kids have way to many belongings. No one need all of this." I gestured to the area around me.

I make my way back up the stair to look in the last room. It was a very large room with white pearl tile for flooring and a giant for post bed in the middle of the room. Above the bed was a picture of a man and women dancing. The man had white hair and the women had caramel colored hair and a heart shaped face.

Maybe this was actually the master bedroom, then who was the other room with the wedding photo? The bathroom was absolutely gorgeous, there were white and gold handles on everything and it was so spectacular.

"Ma'am the family will be here soon. You should read the book quickly, before they arrive." The producer broke me out of my awe.

Sitting down at the table I began to read how my life be this week, and my new responsibilities.

 _Hello my name is Esme Cullen. I am in charge of this house. My husband Carlisle Cullen is a neurosurgeon and works odd hours. He is gone Monday through Friday from five am until ten pm. He does not work saturdays or sundays. We spend Saturdays as a family after having a game night on Fridays. I wake up at five every morning to see my husband off to work, then i way my kids up at six to six thirty. I have seven tennagers for kids and I have a granddaughter. We all live under the same room and you may think that we are a dysfunctional family. Although you are not completely wrong we get along very well and family means everything to us._

 _All of our kids are adopted since I can not carry kids. Our oldest is Jacob he like Emmett is eight-teen. He likes to argue with Rosalie and Edward, and to fix up cars. He's a very sweet kid when you get to know him. We adopted him when his parents were both killed in a car crash. He was adopted when he was thirteen. He is a highschool senior._

 _Emmett who you know is also eighteen is Bella's older brother. There mother died from ODing when they were both very young, then their father was hurt in a hunting accident. Emmett is very big and tries to be intimidating but he is very bear like and is very friendly. He likes to tease his sister and Edward. We adopted him when he was seven and Bella was six.. He is a highschool senior._

 _Bella is seventeen. She is very close to Alice and Edward. She's is very come compared to some of the other kids. She has a very kind heart and will stick by your side if you earn her trust. You can normally find her reading, since it's her favorite thing to do. She argues with Emmett since he teases her. She is a junior in highschool._

 _Rosalie Hale, Rose as we call her, is twins with Jasper Hale. They are both seventeen and juniors in highschool. SHe way come off as cold but you have to warm up to her and earn her trust. She is our little drama queen but she really does the best for people. She is very pretty but will get mad if you stare to long because she is self conscious. For her privacy I will not tell you her and Jasper's story. But I will tell you that we got them when she was twelve._

 _Jasper in seventeen just like Rosalie. Unlike his sister he is very level headed and calm. He is such a sweet kid and can normally be found playing games with Emmett._

 _Edward is also seventeen. He has a little sister Alice. Edward was the first baby we ever adopted. He was just three years old. We then found out about his sister and we had to also adopt her. Their father was abusive and eventually killed their mom. Edward can be found with Bella or Renesmee and he doesn't get along with Jacob very well. But he likes to joke with Emmett a lot. He is a junior._

 _Alice is Edwards little sister and our youngest at just sixteen but she is very smart for her age. She skipped a grade in middle school so she is a junior. She is very bubbly and happy. She is the life of the part. She can be found shopping or with rose. She may be very sweet but you don't want to get on her bad side. She can be mean if she wants to._

 _Renesmee or Nessie as some call her is our granddaughter. She is two years old and a really happy little girl. She is bella and Edward's daughter_

 _After I wake the kids up in the morning and they go off to school, I take care of Renesmee unless Bella drops her off somewhere. I watch tv or clean. Typically I teach since I'm a teacher at my kids school but your off the hook since I took this week off. When my kids get home I help them with their homework and do as needed. We don't have many rules in my house but there is no breaking things and they must clean up after themselves. We also don't condone cursing._

"Wow eight kids is a lot! How will I handle this." I didn't have a chance to say anything before i was being rushed out through the garage. How did i miss this door?The garage only held a blue mustang and a motorcycle. But there was a ton of room for other cars.

I was standing in the driveway waiting for the new family when I saw three cars speeding down the driveway and the fourth was driving a safe speed behind them. The three come skidding to a hult.

"I won!" A pixie like girl bounded out of the first car cheering.

"You cheated!" I giant man said. " You set this up." He looked between the short girl and a blonde.

"Oh she definitely cheated." The bronze haired boy with a crooked grin said helping a brunette out of the car, as she wiped her thumb across her bottom lip.

"You can't prove anything!" She stuck her tongue out at the big one.

"Calm down darlin." A blond hair boy with a thick southern accent drawed out.

The forth car parks behind the other three and the man with white hair got out. On the other side a teenage boy with tan skin and an arm tattoo got out. He pulled an adorable little girl out of the back.

"Don't be rude kids introduce yourselves." The man walked up to me and shook my hand. "I'm Carlisle, that's Emmett, Alice, Bella, Edward, Renesmee, Rose, and Jasper." He pointed out each and every one. "Let's go inside I'm sure you have questions."

I nodded and we turn to walk up but I was grabbed and shaken up and down in a giant hug. "Emmett, you ass set her down!" The blond. Rosalie I think. SHe yelled at him and smacked him upside the head.

I stumbled a little when he set me down. But jumped back when the small one bounded up to me. "Hi, I'm Alice! So good to meet you. I wish you the best of luck this week.

 **BPOV**

It was raining as always. Portland Oregon was very rainy which made it a nice place to live.

Alice sent me a message before we left the park that I should distract Edward so that she could win the rest. She said she would get me an original edition of Wuthering Heights. That one was a no brainer.

"Let's race. Who ever wins gets whatever they want." Alice shouted as she got in her porsche.

Edward opens the door for me then gets on his side. As we start going down the road at top speed I decide to activate my plan.

"Do you find me distracting?" I asked him. He turned to look at me and he smiled.

"No, love. You are never distracting."

"Nothing is distracting not even my lips." I licked my lips

"Bella what are you getting at?" His eyebrows furrowed, so I decided to drag my fingers down the zipper of his jeans.

"Bella." He growled at me.

I took him out of his jeans and hsi underwear. He grew hard in my hand. I smiled before I wrapped my lips around the tip. His hands tightened on the steering wheel.

"Bella." He all but purred. So I started to bob my head faster and harder.

 **LPOV**

"Why seven kids?" I just had to ask, that was a lot of kids. "Why all teenagers?" That was a good question, they must be crazy.

"Well we fell in love with each kid, and everyone deserves a home. Also we couldn't bear to split up siblings." I believe his name was Carlisle. "And the kids weren't recently adopted. It just played out that they were around the same age."

"How are you ok with the fact that tho of your kids have had sex and have a child? That's considered incest." To me it was an outrage. There are social and ethical problems with that.

The blond girl who sat on the armrest of the couch the rest sat on laughed. She murmured to the girl on her right, the pixy like one, which made her also laugh.

"Both Edward and Bella are adopted, they are not blood related and are both adopted. If they hadn't been adopted and called brother and sister people would see no problem with their relationship. They are teenage parents, but are both wise beyond their age and have stepped up to fill the role of parents to Renesmee. Also both Edward and Bella are now married. I see no problem in their relationship."

"Ok I guess." I wasn't really convinced. There is no possible way that two teenagers can be adequate parents to a little girl. A kid needs structure from two adults.

"Enough about us, tell us about you and your family." He was a very kind man.

"I'm Lindsey Keller, I'm forty-five. I have two kids and a husband." The blond snickered and so did the pretty boy, Edward. I swear they snickered. "Our oldest Kellsey is fifteen and takes dance as well as gymnastics. She has all A's and is valedictorian. Chelsie is five and does soccer, ballet, and tee-ball. They both do it all and are amazing."

"I see. What does your husband do?" It was the brunette Bella, who spoke up this time.

"He works in business management, which allows me to work only part time on my at home business."

"Is there anything else, anything at all you want us to know?" The blonde leaned forward to ask. I think her name was Rose, since she looks like the other boy which would make him Jasper.

"I believe that's all, about me. But i do have some questions for you all."

"Ok, proceed." Carlisle nodded.

"As we know it's Friday, what do you typically do on Fridays and the weekend. Also will you be home by a six o'clock dinner every night?"

"Well we will just let you settle in tonight, although we normally hang around. And on Saturday we have an all day family day and normally play a lot of games. Also no I highly doubt I will be

 **Review and give comments and concerns. Until next time space landers.**


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